Lessons learned from lessons I teach my children

During the dinner prayer my son prayed, "and bless mom that she won't yell anymore." That wasn't the first time he's prayed for that.

After the kids were in bed and I was rearranging my living room - it's the first day of school tomorrow and let's be honest, I pretty much need a life makeover right now. My life - I have limited control over, my living room - I have majority control over. I needed change I could control.

Anyway, as I did that I thought about his prayer. I thought about all the reasons why I yell. I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm impatient, no one is listening to me, I need help and no one is helping me, I'm stressed out, I'm overwhelmed, I'm unhappy, I'm lonely, I feel unloved. There is no simple answer here. And there is no simple solution.

To back track a little bit, I've been really wrestling lately trying to figure something out: what exactly is faith and how do I have more of it? Where is the balance of me doing all I can do, and letting the Lord do His part? How much do I have to give in order to call down the blessings from heaven that we so desperately need? And how do I give anything at all when all of my ability is taken away from me? What should my faith look like in order to receive the promised blessings that I've been given?

It's been frustrating, overwhelming, discouraging, and sometimes a somewhat hopeless battle that I don't feel I'm going to win. There is definitely a connection between what we do for ourselves and what God does for us, but I have no idea what that connection is and how to use it most efficiently and effectively.

So back to my son's prayer. I pictured this conversation between my son and God. My son asking God that I won't yell anymore. Interjected with all the reasons I yell, and then how God isn't going to just snap His fingers and make it so I don't yell. I do know it doesn't work that way.

Then inspiration hit. As I turned over to God's side of the conversation I knew that this was His response, "You don't want your mom to yell anymore, so let's work together to make that happen."

I pictured the conversation I would have with my son to teach him that lesson. To teach him that while I ultimately am responsible for myself, if he is going to pray for something, part of praying for it is then being willing to work with God to do his, my sons, part to help that come true.

My son actually came upstairs and we did have this conversation and my son is incredibly wise. I asked him what happens after he prays for something? Does God just make it so? He said, "no. He helps us to work for it." (I'm so proud of him!!)

We talked about the reasons why I yell. We talked about how him and his siblings can work on listening better, being more obedient, and not fighting. I told him how much I appreciated every time that he gives me hugs and how much it helps me, as well as the times his sister tells me that she loves me. I told him how doing small things, even when he doesn't want to, helps him in the end. Because then I don't yell.

My children have been talking about the times that their teachers have yelled in the past. So we talked about the responsibilities that their teachers have and how difficult that must be sometimes. We talked about what he can do to help his teacher. How he can be kind and show her love, thank her, and be on task and listen - to help her out.

I don't try to put the burden of others emotions on my children. I am very clear about that, that it is not their responsibility. But we are very open about our own emotions and how others might be feeling and what things we can do to help them, and each other.

We talked about other kids he might meet at school. How they might be scared or feel lonely. How saying hi and being a friend can strengthen them and bless them.

There is truth that in stepping outside of our own emotions and feelings, and focusing on loving others, we actually feel better ourselves, and our problems are no longer our problems.

Anyway, long ramble. But in the end I learned that for my own circumstance and struggle of faith, and wrestle to obtain the blessings and answers we need, God is saying the same thing to me. "So this is what you want? Let's work together to acheive that."

There is no simple answer. There is no one size fits all. There is no formula of, "if I do this everyday than I will achieve it". Except for the formula of, prayer: pondering, asking, listening, and doing. Doing it with the Lord. That is faith. That is how we receive. Not by doing it on our own, or doing it our way. And not by stepping back to let the Lord do it all. It's about team work. And He's the team leader.

I feel like one of the greatest blessings of being a parent is all of the lessons I learn from the lessons I try to teach my children. Being a parent has not necessarily made me a better parent. But being a parent has definitely helped me to be a better daughter. And I'm grateful to know that my parent is the perfect parent. The perfect example of what type of parent I should be. Maybe one day I'll get closer to being as good of a parent as Him. ;)

So here is to being a team player. To listening to the council and wisdom of one who always knows best, and always has the answerers. Here is to not yelling in answer to a sons prayer. Here is to having faith and moving forward - on the Lord's plan, not mine. Here is to trusting. Letting go and trusting that He knows what He's doing, even when, and especially when, I don't understand. Here's to doing it anyway.

And here is to one last moment of gratitude to Him who gives us our answers in the strangest of ways. Mine of which always seem to come when I'm trying to teach that same principle that I myself need. ❤

By the sweat of thy brow

We went on vacation last week and it was absolutely wonderful. It was so good to be back home, and be with family. We had a hard time leaving and even stayed an extra day.

When we got back it did feel good to be back in our home, but it was a feeling of being in our "safe place" again, and not necessarily a feeling of "it's good be home again".

It doesn't feel like home here. Something I've come to realize and accept over the last few months. And that's OK. Not every place is going to feel like home, and it shouldn't have to.

It has felt good to recognize that and be at peace with not being in love with everything in my life, and at the same time embracing those things that I don't love. It's a weird oxymoron that I can love the things I hate about life.

However that seems to work, it gives me a feeling of freedom. Freedom to laugh and be happy and rise above the mundane. It feels good. It feels so incredibly good.

One thing I noticed throughout this week was our backyard. Until today it was a jungle!!!

We've had a very mild summer and it's been beautiful! Though I realized today that I'm not the only one who loves the cooler wetter weather. The weeds are out. of. control!

I finally couldn't take it anymore and kicked all the kids out of the house with me and I mowed and pulled weeds. The yard is much better now, and I'm happily soaking in the instant gratification of a little bit of yard work.

While I was mowing I thought a lot. I thought a lot about life. About God. About trials. About weeds. About work. And about struggle. I think about those things a lot. They are my life. And they are my story.

As I thought about the noxious weeds overtaking the swamp area between our yard and the park, I thought about Adam and Eve. I thought about God, and how He sent them out of the Garden of Eden. I thought about how He caused there to be weeds and bugs and how they would have to work hard to till the ground. How, "by the sweat of their brow they would eat for the rest of their lives." (paraphrased) They would have to work hard.

They would have to work hard every. single. day. of their lives. For the rest of their lives. Just to eat. They didn't get a free meal pass. They didn't have to work until they were 65 and then retire and not have to work anymore. They didn't get to work a little bit and then live in a mansion with maids and blessings and luxuries and living the easy life. And they lived that way for like 900 years!!

We are so dang blessed!!! And even with our blessings we expect more blessings. We, dare I say it, demand more blessings.

Why?

How?

How can we be so greedy and ungrateful? How have we come to expect the unexpected? Why do we think that it is our right to be blessed? How can we think that we deserve anything at all?

If we step back and look at the big picture, we can clearly see the end from the beginning. Not all the details like God can, but He has given us some cliff notes so that we can at least somewhat know what to expect.

First, we lived with God. He gave us the plan of agency and gave us Jesus Christ as our Savior and Redeemer. We ALL chose that plan. Every single one of us on this earth chose to follow Christ.

Second, we came to this earth. We came here to learn, to grow, to be tested, and most importantly - to choose! To choose without the memory of what it is we are choosing, which is to live with God again by following His son Jesus Christ.

Third, we die. Our spirits leave our bodies until we are resurrected and judged and given our reward in heaven based on our actions and choices that we made here on earth. This is where we receive the blessings. This is when we have been promised our mansions on high.

Now I want to stop for just a minute and go back to my thought on expectations. In all my life that I have grown up in the gospel of Jesus Christ, not lived the gospel, studied and taught the gospel, have I ever read or heard once that our blessings and our reward, or payment if I may call it that, would ever be given in this life. That's not to say that it won't, and perhaps sometimes it is. But it's not doctrine that it will.

So how can we expect it to? How can we demand it to?

"By the sweat of thy brow shalt thou work all the days of thy life." All the days. Until the end.

There are thorns in this life. There are pestilences. There is sickness and sorrow and grief. there is pain. There is work to be done. and it will be hard. and there is a lot of it.

So if we aren't supposed to expect our blessings to be handed out in this life, what can we expect? We can expect everything I just mentioned.

Is that depressing? Is that discouraging? Sure, it could be. But it doesn't have to be. If you expect it to be that. If you accept that that is what life is supposed to be.

It's about embracing life for what it is, not what you want it to be. It's about loving the things you hate about life because then you know that you are living. You know that life is what it should be, and that everything will be alright.

Don't be discouraged. Don't get down. God knows your struggles. He knows your fears. He loves you!!! And your blessings will come!!!! Just maybe not right now.

As I thought about this as I mowed, and felt more humbled by my growing trials (wondering just how much more humbled I could get); As I looked around me in my life and saw every aspect of it being over run with weeds and thorns, I thought about Job. In the end, people say He had nothing. But He didn't have nothing, he had God.

And in my life, no matter how overgrown my life might feel, or how empty or alone I think I am. And no matter if there is no ends in sight of my trials, I will ALWAYS have God. I do always have God. I know that. I have felt that. And so do you.

So now as I look around and see what I don't have and the unfulfilled desires of my heart, I can smile. I can have joy. I can laugh. I can be free. I am free.

Not because "material things don't matter". Because health matters. And paying the bills matter. And life matters. It's not about dismissing things, wants or needs. It's about attitude. Attitude and expectations.

Expecting life to be a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. Knowing that most of the time it won't go your way, and it might not always work out how to want it to. But it will always be enough. And enough is what matters. And having God is always enough.

I haven't always been able to laugh. I haven't always been able to smile. Or feel peace. But one thing I know for certain, is that as I have come to my Savior Jesus Christ, I have found peace. I have found joy. I have found freedom. Freedom from so much baggage.

If we are to change our lives, if we are to change our nation, there is only one source that can truly and completely heal a wounded soul. And that source is Jesus Christ. And He heals each heart individually.

I invite you to find Christ in your life. Ask Him to bless you. Ask Him to heal you. Ask Him to teach you who He is. And hold on for the ride, because you can't expect it to be easy. But you can expect it to be worth it!